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This is the Jesus we all know and love. He's got long flowing chestnut locks, those deep pools of brown eyes, totally proportioned nose, soft pouting lips, and magnificently well groomed beard. Very Jewish features right? Well, historically biased depictions aside, our kind and caring Savior has been adapted into many a movie role in the last few decades. No I'm not talking about the musical hippie in Jesus Christ Superstar or the tortured bag of meat and bones in The Passion. Jesus can't just be singing, praying or weeping, sometimes he has to kick some ass, sci-fi style! Without further ado, let's look at the Top 3 Sci-Fi Jesuses of our time.
3) Neo (The Matrix) - Philosophical Dilettante Jesus
Now if you've only seen the first Matrix film, then I won't spoil the next two, the sequels can do that plenty well without my help. But I will state a fact that the Wachowskis make oh so painfully obvious. Neo is Jesus. Before we hop on the most heavy handled placement of the Jesus motif in Neo, lets look at some more subtle ones.
Jesus-like Qualities
- The movies are set up in such a way that mirrors Jesus' birth, ministry, and death/resurrection. In the first movie, Neo is born, truly born into the real world (remember that pod made of the pink goo from Ghostbusters II that he was in, that's basically a womb). In the second movie, Neo has realized much of his power and basically goes around the Matrix awakening people (his ministry). In the last movie, while his followers are fighting the machines Neo realizes that he must sacrifice himself to save humanity. Sound familiar?
- Trinity plays the role of a normally dopey Mary Magdalene but kicks a little more ass than Mary. Even so, Neo is offered a choice to stay with her and rebuild Zion, but he rejects it in favor of being a super martyr...and also ending the war with the machines.
- He can bring the dead to life. See that scene where he massages Trinity's heart with his love magic and it starts beating again.
- He can fly. Jesus flew right?
Most Jesus-like Quality
A GIANT FUCKING CROSS shoots out of him when he dies. I can almost bet that everyone who saw this in the theater let a smug look creep on to their face and maybe whispered to the person next to them "pssst...just like Jesus". DURRRRR!!!! Good goin' Wachowskis, did you take lessons in symbolism from a 6th grader?! Was The Scarlet Letter such a cracking good read that you felt the need to impose the same sort of clumsy, ham handed symbolism in your movie? Or did you just fall in love with the poetry of the screenplay in Daredevil?
Least Jesus-like Quality
I always had the impression that Jesus had a somber and pensive expression if not a comforting calm one, but probably not the Keanu Reeves trademark DUH... face or whatever other emotions he attempted to portray. He probably also never wore cool sunglasses and black trenchcoats, had DBZ style battles mid-air with computer viruses, or spouted garbage about free will or existence that litters most Philosophy 101 courses.
2) Optimus Prime (Transformers, Transformers: the Movie) - Autobot Jesus
Whether you've only seen the new Transformers movie, you played with the toys as a child, or you've seen everything from the 1986 movie to whatever new iteration is playing today on TV, Optimus Prime is still the same self-sacrificing martyr robot that he was and always will be. It's almost as if he was programmed to be a total martyr, and I'm sure that the humans who hang out with the Autobots must get pretty tired of it after a while.
Most Jesus-like Quality
Whether you're familiar with the new movie or its old counterpart, Optimus Prime's usual answer to defeating evil in either case is by killing himself. Not always the best strategy, but our Sci-Fi Jesus knows that he can bring salvation by dying, especially if its a really dramatic way like shoving an energy cube into your chest (while Shia LaBeouf cries). Also, even if he dies, its pretty likely that Optimus will somehow be resurrected or reborn, either rebuilt by some kind of automated helper bots or reborn as Rodimus Prime (good goin' Hot Rod).
Least Jesus-like Quality
Jesus in general was pretty non-violent. The only recorded act of violence in the Bible is where Jesus withers the hell out of a fig tree, and I'm sure it taught everyone a lesson, especially the tree. The Bible does not say that Jesus fired a ton of laser blasts at the Romans before transforming into a chariot and riding away. I'll check the apocrypha.
1) Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars) - Force-wielding Jesus
Surprised? Well, its true. Darth Vader, the dark prince of the Empire is probably the best Sci-Fi Jesus we have. Don't believe me? Consider the following:
Jesus-like Qualities
- A no brainer at this point would be to say that Vader sacrifices himself to save both his son and humanity from evil. Most importantly, his sacrifice brings salvation to his son Luke, who probably would have turned to the Dark Side after killing his father (although according to the later novels, I think he turns to the Dark Side for a bit anyway)
- Preternatural abilities are more than available to Vader, he has foresight and prophecy out the wahzoo. And although the Biblical Jesus never used his Divine abilities to hurt anyone, that whole fig tree incident seems to say that he probably could have if he wanted to. Unfortunately for the tracheas of many snippy Empire officers, Vader has little problem using his force powers to tear you a new one.
- He's full of the Holy Spirit. Now, I know that the later movies have turned a mystical and grandiose thing like the Force into a bunch of teeny tiny bugs that live in your cells, but the Force is still a perfect metaphor for the Holy Spirit and there is no one so full of it than Anakin Skywalker and later Darth Vader.
Most Jesus-like Quality
Anakin Skywalker was born completely without a father. His mom, Shmi Skywalker (yes, I looked it up), conceived him without ever knowing the touch of Man (or his penis in her baby spot) and she never really thought twice about it. She was probably too busy being a slave or something. Meanwhile, Jedi masters like Qui-Gon Jinn pretty much cream themselves when they hear about Anakin and the circumstances surrounding his conception and birth. They smartly hypothesize that the midichlorians conceived the baby (yeah, those little bugs that control whether the Force is with you or not). I prefer the idea that he was conceived by the Force (aka Holy Spirit) and not a bunch of tiny microscopic symbionts. Also, if he was conceived by little nano-critters, it seems unlikely that he would would have that long wavy hair, but maybe it explains why he looks like Haley Joel Osment.
Least Jesus-like Quality
Jesus was never very vain or whiny, and I'm pretty sure he never killed a whole bunch of little Force-wielding kids, but I think the biggest difference is that Jesus had hair up until his death. Darth Vader, after an unfortunate spill into some hot lava as Anakin Skywalker, loses all his hair and ends up looking like a shriveled egg in a mechwarrior suit.
Looking at these three, you can only wonder what new sci-fi movie will feature a shiny new Jesus. Will he move things with his mind? Will he be able to stop bullets? Will he turn into a truck when its convenient? We can only wait, watch and pray.
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| "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyDRbp1ZPp8
I'm not sure where to start on this song. I've never heard anything from Lady GaGa before this damn song played at Badlands every time I'm there, so I can only assume that this abysmal piece of music video garbage is her best work. Let's start with some of the lyrics:
I won't tell you that I love you
Kiss or hug you
Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin
I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning
Just like a chick in the casino
Take your bank before I pay you out
I promise this, promise this
Check this hand cause I'm marvelous
I think "bluffin' with my muffin" shows everyone that Lady GaGa really does understand the strategy and cunning involved in the subtle maneuvers employed by poker players. Like many Texas Holdem champions, Lady GaGa wears muted nail tips with only a hint of bedazzled plastic rhinestones, her hair slightly covering her poker face, a mix of a cold dead stare and a hint of mystery. What lies behind those stony dark eyes? One can only wonder. But if I were to wager a guess, I would say a monkey banging some cymbals or one of those peanuts were both of the nuts are dried up and dead. Time to compare Lady GaGa's fantasy about a poker game v. a real life scenario.
Fantasy:
Lady GaGa is dressed as some kind of space whore from the future, either wearing some weird blue bathing suit that looks like the flight attendants' uniforms from the 5th Element or some kind of black number with plastic shoulder accessories. In either scenario, the poker game must have been planned to happen at her house, which according to the video has a pool, and GaGa will use all of her wiles in order to win. Taunting her poker opponents, GaGa spends most of her time away from the game, dancing by the pool by floodlight with her backup dancers, teasing her two great danes (or maybe seducing them), and grinding on anyone she can with as little class as possible. When she does sit down to play, the other participants know they're in trouble. GaGa draws her hand, then proceeds to wave it back and forth in front of her face and forming a circle with her thumb and forefinger over her eye. The dreaded poker face! The rest of the players are too stunned to resume competent play, and GaGa triumphs by revealing a pair of aces. It is not necessary to check if this is the winning hand because it is obvious to all present that Aces are certainly awesome cards and having two of them is obviously alot. GaGa then celebrates by tying her hair up in an Alice in Wonderland style bow and writhing naked on a random guy (maybe the hottest one there, but since GaGa continues to look at the camera and not him, it doesn't seem like this is the case). The scene ends with GaGa still grinding everyone at the party and presumably bouncing up and down on the couch on someone's crotch.
Reality:
Lady GaGa chews her huge plastic ring as she and her party members sit down to play cards. Her boyfriend Rex is playing Beer Pong in the garage and she's already had two Grape Smirnoffs. Feeling tipsy but confident she picks up her cards. Everyone at the table snickers as GaGa holds her hand up to her face, with half of the cards facing outward. All eyes are on her. She clumsily looks through her forefinger-thumb hole at the guy across from her, using it as a sort of clairvoyant monocle. Yes, she knows what he wants. His lips part, and the words she's longing to hear burst forth. "You have any 3s?" he mutters. GaGa looks stonefaced at the rest of the table. Her lip quivers slightly. Then, a clever grin spreads across her face. "No *giggle*, Go Fish!". Her opponent puts her cards down and leaves, Lady GaGa triumphs. Then her friend Susan tells her that her hand very obviously has two 3s, ones that were facing the rest of the table, and that her boyfriend is puking in the sink.
Poker face is one of those songs where a female artist reaffirms how dumb we should all view women as. No, they cannot play cards and no they cannot be clever in any way that does not involve ensnaring men. But why should that matter says GaGa, she's hot.
For more on female artists insuring that no one ever takes a woman seriously, see Vol 2 where I'll talk about Kate Perry's "I Kissed a Girl"
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| My mind tends to wander when I have work to do, so I decided to put down at least part of this larger idea that I've been mulling over lately. If you feel the style is hackneyed, blame Plato, not me.
A Conversation between God and a GirlOne night, a little girl was saying her prayers before she went to bed. It may have seemed like a cliche, but the little girl listed each of her loved ones in her prayers. After she made her way through various family members, her best friend Kaitlin and the family dog, the little girl added a small but heartfelt coda:
Girl: And thank you God for all your blessings. I love you.
It was at that moment that God appeared to the little girl. He didn’t appear as a blinding light, a sagely old man, or a burning bush, but as the little girl’s favorite stuffed animal, a worn and well loved plush bear.
Girl: Oh Bip! I thought I lost you when we moved!
God then spoke to the little girl. His voice was not accompanied by harps or choirs of angels, but the little girl immediately knew that this was not Bip speaking to her. The voice was as clear as her deepest thoughts.
God: Hello my child, I am the Lord your God. Tell me, were those your prayers that I heard just a moment ago?
Despite the obviously rhetorical nature of the deity’s question, the girl answered earnestly.
Girl: Yes...Lord. I was saying my prayers before I went to bed. Was I saying them wrong? Did I anger you?
The little girl’s face was etched with worry, but God’s voice washed over her like warm bath water.
God: Do not worry my child. I am not angry with you. I have come to talk to you about something you said in your prayers.
The girl’s anxiety melted away leaving only curiosity. What was so interesting about her prayers?
Girl: Umm, Lord? W-what did I say that you wanted to talk about?
God: The last part of your prayers. You said “I love you”
The girl was puzzled, but her gaze never left the form of her favorite bear.
Girl: Yes? What about that? I love you God!
God: Oh yes, I know that’s what you said.
The last word struck the girl like a lead pipe. Said? What you Said?? Nervous and flustered, the girl blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
Girl: But I meant it too! I prayed it as hard as I could!
God: Of course you did my child, and that’s why I’m here. When you said “I love you”, you truly meant it with all your heart, but the fact is...you don’t.
A lump started rising in the little girl’s throat and tears forced their way into the corners of her eyes. Bleary eyed and trying her best to sound like she wasn’t upset, the little girl shouted at God.
Girl: It isn’t true! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU GOD! Why would you say that I don’t!?
God: I don’t mean to be cruel, it just isn’t the case. Let me try to explain.
The girl remained pouty but waited semi-patiently for God to state his case.
God: Let me ask you a question, can you believe something with all your heart that isn’t true?
Girl: I don’t think so. If I believed something I knew was false with all my heart, then I couldn’t really honestly believe in it.
God: Right, but what if you didn’t know that it was false, and you’ve always thought it was true?
Girl: I’m getting confused, I’m only 8 and a half years old.
God: Sorry my child, lets use an example. Take Bip. Did you believe with all your heart that he was gone forever when you moved?
Girl: *sniffles* Yes.
God: And what if tomorrow you find him under your bed? Would that mean that your belief wasn’t true?
Girl: I suppose so.
God: And even though you honestly believed with all your heart that he was gone forever, your belief was still false?
Girl: Sure, I was wrong and I know it whenever I find Bip.
God: Very good my child. So you something that isn’t true can still be deeply and honestly believed?
Girl: Uh huh!
God: What if I told you that even though you said “I love you” to me and that you truly and deeply believe it, that it still would not be true?
Girl: Wait, God. This isn’t the same. If I believed I wouldn’t see Bip again thats different from me saying I love you. Bip is something I can touch and feel, but love is an emotion! If I feel that I love you, then it has to be true, no matter what!
Her last proclamation echoed around the room for a bit, and the girl realized she may have been slightly louder to the Lord than she intended. The girl instinctively clapped her hands over her mouth but God merely chuckled.
God: Don’t worry my child, I understand. Your feelings are precious to you, and you shouldn’t let others tell you how to feel. But, let me ask you another question. Can you feel something one day, but realize later that you didn’t really feel that way at all?
Girl: Huh?
God: Have you ever been grounded?
The girl’s eyes shifted back and forth for a moment before she remembered who she was talking to.
Girl:...yes Lord.
God: And when you were grounded did you ever feel angry at your mom or dad for grounding you?
Girl: Yes Lord.
God: And after the punishment was over did you ever feel differently?
Girl: Of course.
God: Did you ever reflect on your time while grounded and think you might have been wrong?
Girl: Sometimes. I used the stove one time when I wasn’t supposed to, and I was in time-out all day. I was really mad at my mom for putting me in time-out, but later I realized that I was really just sad.
God: Why were you sad?
Girl: I wanted help my mom make dinner, and I could have helped if I would have listened. I guess I was upset that I didn’t get to help.
God: So would you say that you were wrong at first about your feelings?
Girl: Yes, I guess I would.
God: So you can’t really say that just because you feel it, that it must be true, right?
Girl: I guess not.
It started to sink in that the girl might not really love God as she said. This was a bit too much for her to handle all at once, and the girl started to weep.
God: I have much more to tell you, but not tonight. Get some sleep my child, I will speak with you again.
With no fanfare and no clap of thunder or flash of light, the little girl felt God’s presence leave her room. She cried into her pillows and eventually found sleep.
The next morning she awoke to find Bip strewn casually under her bed.
(end)
That's just the first part. If I feel particularly inspired again, I'll try to write a second chunk. Now time for sleep.
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| - On Chinese Food - Can there be a universally accepted standard for what Chinese vegetables are called? It's not like I expect it to be an exact translation of the Chinese, but if I'm expected to wrangle 10 different synonyms for the same thing (snow pea leaves, pea sprouts, water spinach, blah blah blah) then I call bullshit. I guess this wouldn't be an issue if I didn't love those damn sauteed garlicy things and was willing to go for just normal ass veggies.
- On Pinyin - Thanks some German douche, its really nice that all Westerners have to rely on your retarded system of "Romanized" syllables in order to learn an Asian language. Seriously, when does "zhe" ever sound like "juh" in German...with a fucking HARD J. Answer, NEVER. Also, words beginning with the letter "x" never sound like "shuh" in any Western language, so why would you represent them that way in pinyin?!?! And finally, the letter "q"...sigh. When does "q" ever....EVER make the "chuh" sound?! Gah! If any of these things were true in English, I have some great new scrabble words.
- On Floppy Drives - Why do they still put RAID firmware and drivers on floppy disks, they barely even have floppy drives anymore?
- On Trash - If homeless people are willing to sort through garbage to find cans to bring to recycling plants for chump change, why aren't we employing them to sort recyclables and garbage?
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So I've decided to squeeze back into Xanga. I know its been a while and it might feel weird or uncomfortable at first, but I think eventually I'll just slide back into place. Ok, enough of that. I've decided in the style of one of my heroes, Peggy Hill, to use Xanga as my own personal musings column (Peggy mostly wrote hers on her K-Pro). Like Peggy's musings, most of them won't be worth reading, much less writing, but some of them might be pure gold. So here goes.
Musings (11/14/08)
- On Deus Ex - Is "multitool" used as an insult for people who are tools in this dystopian future? I hope so.
- On Naruto - I'm pretty sure the big reveal at the end of the series will be a Return of the King style compilation of totally gay sidelong glances between Naruto and Sasuke, but will they kiss? Also, why is Sasuke's new costume just an oversized robe that shows some of his boyish chest? One of his new powers must be to look super angsty and yet also sultry.
- On Bands - How much influence does something like Rock Band or GH have on boosting a band's popularity today? I would guess alot, but then again I'm not exactly unintiated in the video game world.
- On Ceilings - Why is the ceiling in my apartment so fucking high? Did giants live here? And did the giants also make the paint above the molding be a totally different shade of white from the paint below the molding? Crafty giants...
- On Disney - Jasmine is really lucky she was royalty, the movie would have had a kind of sour end if she was stoned or her father had to mercy kill her...probably also with stones.
- On Firefox - The new beta is a super POS on my system and as helpful as it is to report these sort of bugs, I'm really tired of seeing the crash reporter
- On 30 Rock - Why the fuck did they choose Jennifer Anniston to guest star? She's not an actress. None of the people who were on friends are actors. They all play only one character: more or less exaggerated versions of their own personality. Name me one goddamn movie where Jennifer Anniston played (well) a character that wasn't Rachel from Friends. You can't.
- On South Park - As much as I hate to admit it, South Park is definitely lost its edge. It's crossed that line from being so perceptive and smart about topical humor to just being lazy and throwing together a slapdash parody for parody's sake. I will have to say I enjoyed the Obama's 11 parody, but in general, episodes like the HS Musical one (this week's) and the China one are harbingers of worse episodes to come (For parallels with the Simpsons, see almost all episodes including and following "Sunday Cruddy Sunday").
- On San Francisco - Hey SF, I would love to give you all the money I've borrowed from my parents and in loans...What's that? You don't want my money? Oh, you're saying you can't take my money. Why? Oh right...because its on a fucking debit/credit card and not fucking cash! Really SF? Really?? I would really like a know if there's a good reason why 80% of places in the city don't take cards. This is a major fucking city. An international one even. Also, heads up to bars, people spend a ton more on drinks if they never have to see the money they're spending changing hands. If someone has a tab open, they usually will order at least one more drink than they would if they had to constantly go to the bar with cash. Time to catch up with all of the two bit convenience stores that all manage to take cards you dinguses.
- On The Simpsons - I wonder if Michael Jackson got any money from that godawful 3rd Season episode of the Simpsons where the fake Michael Jackson character and Bart sing "Lisa its your Birthday, Happy Birthday Lisa!". Let's hope not.
- On Pidgeons - Are pidgeons really this stupid? I pretty much kick pidgeons on a daily basis now because when I walk to and from class, they dont move out of my way. And, I will have to say, when your foot really connects with a pidgeon, its a pretty satisfying feeling.
Thats all for now, I'll try to keep this up at least every other day if not more. Thanks to the 1/2 of a person that on average reads this.
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